Here, Amy is frustrated and wondering about all the events that are happening. When finding out the truth behind a man she'd met 2 hours prior, Amy realizes it's her duty to finally fall in love.
After about 30 minutes of trying to have an epiphany and enjoying the crisp wind that blew through the window, I wrote down about 2 more sentences. The anger and frustration boiled inside of me, threatening to leap out and really damage the cool and collective, mature exterior I’d been trying to create. I leaned against the wall, sank down to the ground and rested my head against the wall.
My day with Scott hadn’t been so bad, after all. Even though the guy was a little bit full of himself, he did most of the talking, and I asked just enough questions to keep the conversation flowing. He talked about NYU and it’s benefits, he talked about my dorm and that I’d be sharing it with someone, and the main, nagging topic was about my writing.
I understood that he was interested in the fact that I was an aspiring author, but the guy seemed to have written all these questions down. I nodded to most of them, stared down at my coffee, watching the steam rise into the cool air and fade into oblivion, until he would pause and wait for an enthusiastic answer. “Well see it all started when I was going through rough times, and then I realized, hey, I can vent through writing it down instead of cutting and drinking… So I started writing. It was a sob story, basically, barely passed off as a diary, and then it sort of evolved into what I really wanted to be happening, instead of the reality of my situations. Then, boom, stories sprouted. I realized I had a passion for creating other worlds. That’s it, really,” and then he would smile and give me a string of eulogies. “Your really talented, you know that?” Talented, but clueless about what the most obviously beautiful feeling in the world felt like.
I had the biggest urge to ask him if he knew what love felt like, not to hold back on any details, but I held my tongue. That would be a bit awkward, don’t you think?
“Something wrong?,” he asked, noticing the stress lines poking at my forehead. “Oh, um, no. I’m fine.” Now or never bud, ask if you really want to get this book published. Or anywhere near halfway. “I was just curious… For the sake of my book… Have you ever been in love, Mr. Bryans”? There, choked it out. Might as well take out my pen and notebook…
He gave a little laugh, then fidgeted with his tie. “Well, Amy, that’s a personal question, don’t you think? Are you sure it’s for your book? Or are you really just curious about what handsome old me is interested in?,” he teased. Normally, I would have smacked someone who just had the brains to think I would be interested, but in his tone, I did not detect any vanity. Pure joke. Okay, I’ll let the guy have his fun. “Mr. Bryans, as handsome as you are, and as much as I’m dying to hear about your love life, I’m purely just taking notes on this”- I used my hands- “ ‘love’ thing that’s been going around. Because unfortunately, I’ve never felt such a thing for a particular other.” He gave me a shy smile, then fixed his gaze on my notepad and determined hand. “Okay, if you must ask. You better have a quick hand, because I’m not pausing for you.” He started to recollect his thoughts. He closed his eyes, and for a brief moment, I saw the hurt and the burden that he had carried on his shoulders, pushed out front and center, ready to be told, ready to be revealed. When he opened his eyes, I didn’t see the young, cheerful, ready-for-life guy I’d met 2 hours ago. I saw a little boy who had seen too much that he wasn’t ready for. “Mr. Bryans, forgive me, but if this is an uncomfortable topic, I’ll ask someone else…” I tried to say it in my softest, most gentle voice. He held up his hand. “No, I’m fine, just give me a second.” With each second, my sympathy grew for this man who I’d just met, yet felt his hurt and his heartache like it was my own.
“Her name was Jane. We met in college. We were both in our graduate year. We’d been dating for almost 5 years, and, believe it or not, I thought that I was ready to settle down with her. You know, after we finished our studies, bought a house, and had everything the way we wanted. I proposed, and to my surprise, she couldn’t have been happier. When the semester ended, we moved into our new house, ready to begin the lives that we both we were ready to put into practice. The wedding was already being planned perfectly, a package deal in our all to good to believe lives. Time passed, we said our vows, and I couldn’t have been a happier man. Amazingly, after 3 months of marriage, we were expecting our first child. She said she would be thrilled if we ended up with baby twin girls. In a few months, our wish was granted, and the ultrasound had the proof. In the 9 months that passed”- he cringed, took a deep breath- “the time came. It was 11:38 p.m. I remember holding her hand, hearing her screams, eager for the arrival of our baby girls. And at 11:54, she stopped screaming, and we were all left listening to the sound of the heart monitor going dead… and no baby girls crying…”
“Mr. Bryans… I’m so sorry, I should have never asked. Please, don’t say anything further if it’s to painful.” I urged, almost wanting to take this guy into my arms and let him cry, and maybe, with a bit of luck, heal his shattered heart.
“No, you have a future depending on this. Anyway, I guess, to answer your question, yes, I have loved another, and I’m sure you’re wondering what it feels like? It’s the connection and the bond you feel to a person, the string that keeps you clinging to them like a starving cat, and when that persons gone, so is your heart. Like invisible scissors snapped that string, and tore you away from everything you’ve ever wanted. But when their with you, you feel whole. You feel like everything in the world falls perfectly into place for you.”
I would have never guessed that someone so optimistic like Scott would have such a terrible past, such grief clinging to them like Velcro. But never judge a book by it’s cover, right?
Scott’s epitome, honestly, did not help. It made me understand what heartbreak felt like, what he was feeling now, but not what merriment and the joy that love apparently brought did to you. That’s what I needed to know, needed to feel, in order to save this book from becoming a blind description of “the love of my life”.
After about an hour and a half, I gave up. With a solemn realization, I accepted the fact that if I really wanted this, if I truly wanted to reach beyond my microcosm and see the possibilities, I had to experience love myself.
Daylight begun to seep through my fogged, dirty windows. With a quick glance at the clock, I plopped myself back down on the mattress and shut my eyes in pure frustration.
In an attempt to find an ounce of unrelenting peace, I strained my ears, tuned my thoughts to listen to the silence and feel the still air at work in my apartment.
Silent. Agitation transfiguring slowly- or trying- molding into the peace that I yearn for, that I dream of acquiring only through what I know best. Transform the silence, the beauty, the wonders of this earth, of this environment around me into pictures that play along the eyes of those who will seek my testimonies, those who might read my material. They almost feel, see, smell every thing that I jotted down, and in that way, experience is never wasted.
The thoughts that seemed to be mine silently encouraged me to listen in, to intertwine myself with the sounds of early morning New York.
A symphony of chirping begun to break out along the boundaries of my window; a group of birds harmonizing themselves for their morning song assembled themselves merrily in the trees surrounding my apartment. They sung, oblivious to the angst flooding the streets of New York. They almost seemed to be laughing as their cares flew away with the melodic stream of their songs; beauty emerging from the very depths of their tired throats.
Then, breaking my aura of utmost tranquility, a car road along noisily through the streets with an anger that seemed to radiate up to my window, stealing any ounce of peace that I had obtained.
I sighed, running a hand through my tangled hair.
Laying in bed no longer seemed comforting, at the very least, it built up on my impatience. With a grunt, I sat up in bed, resting my heavy head in my hands.
The sunlight did not leave me, not like my moment of peace rudely did. It warmed my skin with a gentleness that almost reassured me, that almost told me it was going to be okay. But it wasn’t strong enough, not prominent enough to leak through my tired skin.
I put one lazy foot on the ground. Might as well freshen up. Maybe a nice, warm breakfast will lighten my mood.
As I placed my foot and weight on the ground, I met my luggage, and not the floor, sending me toppling over face first, scattering all my personal belongings over the carpet and giving me a nice, swelling bruise on my arm.
Inches away from my idiotic accident, lay my phone, vibrating in its place and making all the noise it can to catch my attention.
With a puff of anger, I reached for it, and saw with a stab of shocking nervousness which hit me in the gut, that Scott was calling me. No one ever called me.
“Hello?,” I answered clearing my throat and releasing the hoarse sound of a long, sleepless night.
“Hello, Amy. I didn’t disturb you, did I?,” Scott whispered on the other end of the line.
“No! No, actually I was just getting up to get something to eat. What’s up?”
“Oh, well then I’ve got some good timing.”- He laughed. “Well the reason I’m calling is completely unprofessional and you have every right to deny without hesitation…” Scott paused, either gathering his thoughts or expecting an acknowledgement for me to continue. I opened my mouth to encourage him to continue, but he spoke the next line quickly enough to interrupt me.
“What I’m asking is, would you like to come over today for a cup of coffee? Maybe contemplate the aspects which would be your career as an author? The courses I can personally and professionally suggest to get you where you’d like to be? It’s quite personal, I’ll clear that up, but it has a professional outcome… and well, to be honest, I enjoy your company. If you haven’t noticed, I haven’t much contact with the outside, social world. Well, enough babbling. What do you say?,” he ended with a breath of nervous relief.
I couldn’t help but chuckle at the effort that it had taken for this man to simply ask me if I wanted to hang out with him.
“Of course, Scott, of course. New York seems like a very lonely place. I’d like to spend my day with you,” I replied merrily.
The car, streaming along the paved road, only hummed as our chatter filled about the vehicle; while absorbed in the mystery of the other, the world could have crumbled to pieces, withering away and cascading into the dark, and yet it would not have affected our animated conversation. “… No, really, I’ve never lived in a city. But you know, there isn’t that much difference. This probably won’t make any sense, really… But… I was trapped in an open field. The broad landscape was there, spread out in front of me, calling me to it’s world of wonder- but all I could do was sit there quietly, marveling at everything, never once reaching out to touch reality. I’d been exposed to the scents, the warm fragrances of the dusk in the country… But my mother would always call before I stood, before I sprinted out to fall into nature. So this… Isn’t that big of a shock, really.” Scott nodded, lost in his trance, and pulled into an exit. From the distance, near the dock, I could see a Ferris Wheel slowly turning, working and grunting with it’s efforts to steer smoothly and not quiver with the weight.
“A fair? In New York?,” I asked, not bothering to detain my shock. Scott chuckled, steering with ease towards our destination. “Well, listening to your story, I felt bad. You basically are a city girl, Amy. So we’ll see some sights, ride some of those rides over there, feel the ocean mist swirl in your lungs, and maybe take a break on a boat for a little while. And talk, in the center of it all.” I smiled lightly at this. “Well… Okay. That sounds nice. Rides though… Um…,” I trailed off, cringing slightly at the screech of metal emitting from the amusement festival only a mile or so off in the distance. Scott could not contain his laughter. “Oh! Don’t tell me you’re afraid of heights and harmless little rides like these?” I let him finish. “Okay, I’ll lie and say I’m not. But really, let’s just go with the sight seeing for today…”
With another shake of the head and a little laugh, Scott drove off the road towards the fair and made his way towards the dock.
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