Okay. Here it goes. I'm not really ready to talk about my childhood yet, or any of my issues really, but I'll start with this...It's pretty much easy to explain.
Those pictures I have there are the scars I've inflicted on myself during these past 2 years.
I also have "STUPID" and "FAT" carved on both sides of that thigh. They're fading, so a picture wouldn't really capture them, but they're there alright.
As for my arm, that's where it all started.
When I made my first cut I was 12 years old. I was in 7th grade and I was craving attention so badly. I genuinely wanted to fit in with "druggie" crowd.
This is the best way I remember it. There was a freshman by the name of Marissa, and for some reason she was so cool to me. The fact that she cut herself and that she did drugs fascinated me. I look back now and wonder why the fuck I wanted to be like her so badly. She just had this...edge to her. Everyone just kind of...I don't know... Worshiped her? At least all my friends did. So, being the naive attention whore I was at the time, I asked my grandmother if we had a spare pack of razors and took that first little fucker in my hand.
I remember sitting on my bathroom floor with the razor held over my skin, telling myself to do it already and to stop being such a pansy. It took me an hour just to get the razor pressed on my skin. The cold metal felt wrong, so so so wrong, I felt sick at what I was about to do. I had a conscience back then. A loud one. But not loud enough.
The first cut was just a scratch. No blood. My heart was in my throat. And then it was easy. I started slashing. No gashes, just little wounds that bled to my satisfaction. I made about 200 cuts that day. On both my arms and on both my ankles. I honestly don't know what came over me. I wasn't angry. I wasn't sad. I just kept cutting and cutting until there wasn't any skin left to cut. I liked seeing all those red lines against my skin. It was, in some twisted way, really fun.
Anyway, at first it was all about the attention. HEY LOOK AT ME EVERYONE IM A CONFLICTED 12 YEAR OLD LOOK AT MY CUTS WEEE. I swear, everyone I showed freaked and I loved it.
I didn't cut after that first time until about 2 months later, and I don't really even remember why. It could be a couple of reasons, a series of stupid tween shit. But it never really became a serious problem until last summer.
I have absolutely no idea why suddenly everything went down the hill. I lost my best friend in the whole world. I trusted this girl with my life. And then one day, literally out of the fuckin' blue, she said she was done with me.
I was devastated. I would go on about how it completely destroyed me, how that marked the beginning of a terrible depression, but I don't want to talk about my actual issues yet.
Anyway, that's really why my cutting got so bad. I didn't have anyone.
....If I continue to talk about how my cutting worsened, I'll have to talk about my issues and my family and how my life spiraled downward completely, and I REALLY don't want to right now....Maybe later. But yeah. That's the first part. Part dos coming soon.
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