...

i have nothing to do this summer. i am not going to chase all these people who call themselves my friends. if they want to hang out with me, cool, but i’m sick of sending those texts that never get replies, chatting someone who won’t chat back. i’ve stopped chasing people, period.

its 2 months today...but...why get excited, i'm the only one all happy about it anyway.

i can not express how alone i am. i can be around 20 people and still feel so alone, so drained, so dead. i know everyone hates me. i know what they say about me. i know they ignore my texts. i know they'll forget me if i don't talk to them first. it's the worst feeling in the world, being forgotten. being hated. i hate hating myself. because these people have made me hate myself, too.

this sounds like such a whine, but it's the only thing i have. i can't keep this inside all summer. even though that's probably the best thing to do.

i have the worst feeling that this is going to be every day. me trying to fight the loneliness. me hoping someone will call, someone will save me from myself.

i cant call people, ask them. it's so embarrassing, needing someone to take me out of this house.

people complain that they're bored at home. watching tv, being on the computer all day. but it isn't boredom for me. i wish i could watch t.v and just be bored.

but it doesnt work that way for me.

watching t.v doesnt even affect me. im just staring at a moving screen. boredom doesnt even cross my mind.

it's the loneliness. it's the thoughts. myself. the horror of being alone, hearing nothing but these negative things, breaking me down, making me smaller and smaller and smaller. THEY'RE DESTROYING ME. with no one to stop them, to say, "you're better than this, don't think that"

but even if did hear those good things, i'd need to be constantly told, like a machine to my ear, becAUSE THESE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS ARE SO STRONG, SO CONTROLLING. NO ONE GOOD THOUGHT CAN OVER-RIDE THEM ALL. IT'S LIKE AN ARMY OF EVIL AGAINST ONE LITTLE GOOD SOLIDER. NOTHING FEELS RIGHT. READING, WRITING, T.V, COMPUTER, TEXTING, SLEEPING, EATING, NOT EATING, CUTTING, NOT CUTTING, BREATHING, LAUGHING, EVEN IF ITS ACTUAL LAUGHTER, SMILING, BEING WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW, HIDING CUTS, NOT HIDING CUTS, WEARING LONG SLEEVES AND JEANS IN BLISTERING HEAT, NOT HAVING CUTS TO HIDE, MISSING THE FRESH WOUNDS, CRYING, NOT CRYING, SCREAMING, NOT SCREAMING, NOT SLEEPING. THINKING ABOUT HAVING NO FAMILY, NO ONE TO HUG, NO ONE TO KISS, NO ONE TO HOLD ME AND TELL ME "YOU'RE THE MOST WONDERFUL THING IN THE WORLD TO ME, YOU'RE SPECIAL, YOU'RE WORTH IT, I REALLY MEAN IT." MOTHER BEING CRAZY AND CONTROLLING AND SICK AND judgmental AND IRRATIONAL AND KNOWING THAT IN A FEW YEARS, YOU WON'T EVEN BE ABLE TO HAVE A CONVERSATION WITH HER BECAUSE SHE'S FINALLY LOST IT, SHE'LL NEED TO BE ON MEDICATION OR SOMETHING, DAD LOCKED UP AND NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT YOU, NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HIM BECAUSE ITS ALL LIES, OTHER THAN BEING A MURDERER, NO, THAT'S ALL TRUE. BROTHER TELLING ME HE'S CRAZY AND CAN'T BE TRUSTED, DON'T YOU EVER TURN TO HIM FOR HELP, HE'S CRAZY, DON'T DO THAT. NEEDING A DADDY, NEEDING A MOMMY, MOM BEING HERE BUT NEVER SAYING A WORD, ONLY SCREAMING AND HITTING AND PUSHING, REMEMBERING THE TIMES WHEN I WAS LITTLE AND SHE WOULD STROKE MY HAIR AND SING ME TO SLEEP. BROTHER BEING DISAPPOINTED IN ME, NOT BEING ABLE TO TALK ABOUT THIS TO ANYONE, LYING LIKE SECOND NATURE WHEN TALKING ABOUT HOW "GREAT" I AM, WAILING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE EVERYTHING HURTS SO FUCKING MUCH. GOING OUT,

TRYING TO FEEL GOOD, TRYING TO HAVE FUN, FORCING IT ON MYSELF, EVEN IF ALL I WANT TO DO IS CRAWL INTO A BALL AND CRY, BUT I DONT WANT TO DO THAT AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE THAT MEANS AT HOME AND THAT MEANS HELL. FEELING SO FUCKING WORTHLESS AT TIMES, DEGRADED TO NOTHING BUT A BALL OF TEARS, FEELING LIKE IM A FUCKING IDIOT, FEELING SO UGLY AND FAT AND SHORT AND DISGUSTING AND ANNOYING. I REALLY COULD KEEP GOING ABOUT EVERYTHING BUT THERE'S NO POINT. IM BABBLING AND TOTALLY NOT MAKING SENSE. WHATEVER. BOO FUCKING HOO. NOTHING'LL GET BETTER. I WON'T MAKE IT. NOT 74 FOR DAYS OF THIS SHIT UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AGAIN.