I don't feel much since I got admitted into the hospital. I don't know why. I just know that when I got to the hospital that late at night I felt absolutely nothing. That whole week, nothing. When I got out, nothing.

I want to write a story, draw, paint, scrapbook, run, swim, dance. Make something. Do something. Get lost in creating something, maybe finally please myself with something I've done. I miss that. That feeling of accomplishment even if what you're writing or making or doing is shit. Just because you're doing it and you're getting somewhere, you're happy.

I just wish I wasn't obsessed, and I really do mean obsessed with being perfect at everything. I can't write, because if it isn't perfect to me, and it never is, I get terribly frustrated at myself. I used to dance, but I was so mediocre that I gave up. I felt so fat, so dumb, so awkward around the girls I danced with. I wasn't flexible, I wasn't graceful. I used to sing, but as soon as I heard someone else's voice I'd crawl into a little ball and shut up. I'm intimidated by everything.

Point is, I just want to feel something other than emptiness, sadness, anger, loneliness, or hunger. I just want to enjoy the zest life has to offer. I don't want to be afraid to take risks or fail or try new things because that isn't the way things are supposed to be. I want to have a sense of confidence and joy in whatever I do.

Summer is still young, and I hope that I can spend it discovering myself.